Fragments of Flick

2003-07-11T19:41:00.000-04:00

Wow.... new blogger eh? Not sure how I feel about this change. Can you believe it has nearly been a whole year since I started this? Though I am not as active here as I was when this first started... I do keep another journal y'know and I tend to keep that one the most current, feel free to visit me there any time. Soooooo.... I did not get into my honours program, but maybe if I can pull my grades up a bit this year that may change... really though I am clueless as to what I wanna do when I grow up, as they say.... well I really just wanted to be a pirate like Anne Bonney.... arrrrr! Though my real Pirate name is Mad Grace Cash. I guess that is because I am a lunatic?

2003-05-15T18:38:00.000-04:00

see that banner right above this post? I made that :) It is actually my first attempt at making a banner, so I am sure they will get better.

Oh.... finally got my rent paid, just so you know and don't worry about me too much. I am back on medication too so I expect that I will be feeling a little happier soon enough. I know that may sound like a cruch, but depression has been a recurrent thing in my life since I was a teenager so really, it is a chemical thing, certain things, like being jobless just seem to trigger it though. I guess.

2003-05-06T11:55:00.000-04:00

Fuck
Despite having looked for a job, and being a college grad, and having some university... I can't find a damn job... I hate my life.
My rent is late, I just don't have it, my bills are late, I had to scrounge for change to buy bread and milk... and just a few months ago, the guy I was dating was asking me to donate food from my cupboards to donate to the effing *soup kitchen* he had at his place..... that bothers me... someone that makes over $40000 asking me to donate food to their house (even after eating everything in mine). I mean I may be bitching about things that have already happened, but really I am looking at eviction really soon, perhaps having to make some other very difficult decisions... I may have to find homes for other people and pets and sell off my belongings pretty soon if I don't get a job... I hate this, what do you have to do to get a damn job?!!?!?! I hate my life, hate, hate, hate. I don't know what else to say... I don't think I will have internet for much longer so if I just disappear without a trace, maybe that is why.... I hope thigs get better. I am so depressed.

2003-04-21T02:54:00.000-04:00

Thirsty?
pull up a chair and get yourself some boob scotch on the rocks! Stir it up! Stir it up!

2003-04-06T01:41:00.000-05:00

Starting to feel desperate
I am so fucking broke... as in broke as a joke, only I'm not laughing. I have been sending out resumes this week, to places that looked remotely interesting on the Canada Job Bank. I even got out there pounding the pavement in the morning... and it was not your typical warm spring day either... snow and ice everywhere in the aftermath of the ice storm that we got surprized with this week. I applied at Kinkos, Staples, Pet Valu, The Beer Store, Tim Hortons and The Stag Shop. Some one has to hire me... I'm a college grad for chrissake!! Is a job too much to ask for??? I hope someone hires me soon... if not, I need to figure out how I'm going to pay my rent. In the mean time, I am accepting donations to benefit none other than me.... yes, I really am this shameless.....

2003-03-30T17:49:00.000-05:00

you're emo!

How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-29T23:12:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm.....
I must say I am feeling a little dejected... no reason really, I just get melancholy sometimes... I used to take pills for it but whatever. I did have a really awesome date last night though (first date), he drove me to the bowling party last week but that wasn't a date at all, that was basically our first meeting. Someone actually gave me shit for seeing other people, when that wasn't the case at all... I think they read to much into my journals, I guess that is the problem when you snoop on someones journal but are trying to make more out of what is actually there by over analysing. Whatever... I am just rambling because I am tired. Melancholy.
Anyways I briefly spoke to the ex's mom online yesterday and there was a deliberate mention of him going out with some gal named Sharon.... like I care anyway, but he did criticise me for seeing someone else so soon after our "taking a break". HA is it just me or does anyone else find other people's hypocrasy just a little amusing? Anyways... I have been thinking, it may be time to retire my blog.... nothing set in stone yet, but I hate when there are lurkers who read your blog for months without you having any awareness of it and then throw things in your face for speaking your mind in your own little corner of cyberspace. At least if I go to Live Journal I will be able to block anyone that is not on my friend's list... I can avoid being fucked up the ass that way (I am not talking about sex here either). If you are one of my blog buddies and I am well aware who those people are... I will let you all know in private how to find my new journal and add you to my friend's list so that you can snoop away with my blessing ( you know I luvs ya! ). To anyone else (and I am sure at least one of you knows who you are) if you like reading online journals so much, then take the time to become a member of a web based community, otherwise fuck right off! I am not trying to throw off the negative vibes here people, but now that I have come to a reasonable way of handling this situation I feel a lot better....

2003-03-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

I wanna go shopping...

2003-03-25T18:48:00.000-05:00

What exactly does it mean to "take a break"?
This is just an observation, and not really specifically aimed at anyone, well I guess a little bit is from actual experience, the rest is just observation. Have you ever wondered what it means when one half of a couple suggests taking a break? Or maybe you have been the one to suggest taking a break from each other? To my way of thinking, it is important to first take a closer look at what it means to actually break something.... think about it, when you break something it is no more. The deeper meaning of the actual taking a break from the stand-point of the party has proposed such an arrangement means something like... okay I am done with you for now, and so I am going to put you away on a shelf... until I am ready, who cares what you think. Am I wrong here? Now let's take a look at it from the other perspective.... I do not wait on a shelf for nobody... I move on. I am not a convenience, and I am nobody's possession to be put behind glass so that I am then shut off. I don't really mean me... I am just using the I statement here, for lack of a better way to express this hypothetical scenario.... this is all just fiction. But seriously, if anyone else can offer some insight, feel free.

2003-03-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

Okay... pay attention...
I am just making this post here because certain people who read my blog... I won't reveal any names though, but you know who you are. If you don't like what you read on my blog, or feel the need to over-analyse what ever I say on here, then do feel free to say something on my blog... do not come over to make accusations at me.... no I never cheated on anyone, and I never lied to anyone. Usually when someone I've been dating tells me they want to "take a break", it has been my experience that it has already ended pretty much... believe me when I say I have been there before, and even if you do try to get back together, it never works out.....

2003-03-24T15:56:00.000-05:00

Woot!
Well, me and the boy called it quits last week, and though I knew it was for the best, I did feel a little bad about it... I guess some things just aren't ment to be though... so anyways, on Friday night I went to my SG bowling party and everyone I met were beautiful down to earth people, which really set me at ease as I had never been to a net-meet and didn't know what I was in for, as excited as I was my escort was one of the members who lives near me, he picked me up and we set off on our lil' adventure. One minor set-back... haha this is funny... we get to Mississauga and see a bowling alley (Classic Bowl) and were quite impressed with our good timing, we got there a whole hour before the planned meeting so we decided to have a drink while we waited..... dammit we realized we were at the wrong bowling alley after about 35 minutes. Back on the road.... we did get to the right bowling alley, however, map quest directions leave a lot to be desired.... ehehe. Anyways, I dazzled them all with my champion bowling capabilities and I even surprized myself :) I can't wait to go to the next gathering.... they are all so beautiful, and fun! I hated to say good-bye to them all, but it was going onto 2am and we still had a 2 hour drive back... the night didn't end there though, we went a stickering around town and even got some photgraphic evidence... ehehehe so deviant!

2003-03-19T16:47:00.000-05:00

I Need Some Happiness
I have been feeling miserable lately.... overloaded with school shit, I have an essay due tomorrow and it is barely started. I had to change topics so that doesn't really surprize me. I am comparing/contrasting Christina Rossetti's "Goblin Market" and Margaret Atwood's "The Animals in that Country".... complexities of the duality of human nature, body and soul, reason and physical impulses...... on and on..... M.T. is back fro NYC so that is very happy for me, and we must get together soon.
I think I will feel better tomorrow when I hand in my English essay.... ah less to think about, I am at the point where I don't feel like doing a lot of deep thinking... I want to play. I may just get to do that on Friday too, even though I really should just stay home and get more writing and studying done. The plan is to meet with a bunch of people in Toronto and go bowling.... sounds fun right? The crazy thing is I have never met any of them in real life before, so I am pretty excited. I feel totally cool about this though, we are all pretty excited to meet each other... I am not sure exactly how many of us are gonna be there, but I think the number is approaching 20 now. Still a part of me says "stay home and study". What to do? what to do?

2003-03-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

Changing Seasons
I am so ready for winter to end, I hate the snow, the slush, and the salt that ruins your shoes. I am tired of school but that is usual for this time of year: burn out. I am tired. I need the warmth of the sun and the fresh smell of new life springing out of the ground. I am sitting here writing this with bleach in my hair, that needs to change too. Some of the darker hair is not getting quite as light as I had hoped, but maybe once I put in the colour it wont be so noticable?

2003-03-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

Procrastination and stress...
I know I have not been posting as much as I used to. I still love my blog and appreciate feedback from my readers.... I have been pretty stressed out lately. Mostly school related, the assignments seem like a mountain to me.... I probably cause a lot of that stress myself because I procrastinate, but the due dates are so close together. I need to pull myself together and just get on with it all, 3 essays and I've barely delved into my research... grrrrrr. I also quit my job at Spencer Gifts in January, have I mentioned that one yet... hehe *nervous laughter* they were making up new and pointless rules as they went along and then changing them to suit whatever mood they happend to be in on a particular day. "Oh look we got a fucking coffee machine in the staff room.... now we can sit on our fat lazy asses and drink 8 cups a shift while we bitch at you to get on the floor." Then there was the general disorganization, such as shifts not being posted up, "oh I don't know where it is at right now" to the shift not being made up when it is expected, or just posting shifts without a fair amount of notice that they have changed shifts since it was posted but no one bothered to call you and tell you that shifts were rearranged and then bitch you out because you did not show up for the shift they never asked you to fill for someone.... To top off all of that shite, they integrated the lovely new rule of not calling in for your hours.... ie: they will not give you your hours on the phone, you must take time out of full time school and parenting to commute on the bus to get your hours. Whether or not they have bothered to make said hours yet. I just couldn't stay there under such circumstances, so I explained to them why I had to leave.... end of story. Well, I must go and read "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad and then, if I'm not too tired, study for my English quiz on Thursday, I think I will put off my synopses for 3 films for a sociology paper I am working on until tomorrow....... I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to the end of this school year! Next up: find a job that will pay me at least $10 an hour for the summer.....

2003-02-27T11:21:00.000-05:00

This is very accurate....
Well, except for ths part about Star Trek and Comic conventions anyway.

You are Pamela. You like video game and anime characters, collecting books and DVDs and surfing (alot) on the web. You watch a lot of Star Trek and go to comic book and sci fi conventions. You surf through messageboards and attempt to put in your lame ass opinions any chance you get. You probably run your own website with it's own messageboard and buy unnecessary stuff on auction sites. You're a nerd and you know it. You probably even made your own dumb quiz.

Take the Which Black Daisies Character Are you Quiz?

2003-02-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

My Naughty Little Secret
Well.... I guess now that everything is official over at SGHQ as in paper work and what not, I am ready to go public with a little secret I've been harbouring. Well there is this little site I've been going to for awhile now, I think it kicks ass, I have met some cool people there and all the girls are so beautiful. Ever heard of SuicideGirls? Well if you haven't before I am telling ya now... anyways, I contacted them not too long ago to enquire about modelling, sent in an application and a photo... then we went through the screening process. After all that was done I got my friend Dana to take some photos for me and the rest they say is history. I have been made a Suicide Girl but I am in limbo for the time being... I don't think I will be this Friday's new girl though... well... it is freak week there and I think my set is a little too tame for that. All of the sets that went up this week were fucking great, very artistic! Whew... now ya know.

2003-02-10T18:03:00.000-05:00

Oh My God those are sooo cute!
Well I just have to say I got my panties today... sooooo cute!! The delivery was so fast too, I only ordered them a week ago (one week tomorrow actually). The people who sold them to me on Ebay have an online store too, so you don't even need to go to ebay. You can look at their website too, lots of cool t-shirts to be found as well as some other cute things, and don't forget they have ruffle panties too :). Check them out here.

2003-02-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

I love EBAY
I just got these.... my first ever ebay win!! Aren't they cute?

2003-01-28T19:52:00.000-05:00

Ink Slingin'
Well I am off to Trole's 3 year anniversary show tonight (after searching in vain for a babysitter, and just remembered this girl Kelli I used to work with until we both quit Spencer gifts asked me if I ever needed a sitter she would love to). It is gonna be fun fun fun mofos.... playing at the venue also tonight will be Tin Cup Saloon and Tommy Rot. Heh I got some new ink yesterday, it is a cover up of a really stupid tattoo I got when I was only 14, by the well known artist Mike Austen.... I got Joel at Hardcore Tattoo to do it, a blue rose.... hehe it is on my ass but I am gonna go back once every month or so and we are extending the work all the way up my back, I have a butterfly on my right shoulder blade so when it all comes together it is gonna look awesome!

2003-01-14T01:15:00.000-05:00

Check it out!
I just got invited to be a member on yet another collective blog.... how cool is that? it is called PORNMOM and looks like it will develope into something worthwhile. Please feel free to check it out ;)

2003-01-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

Killing time
Well this being my first post of 2003: Happy New year to all! I am at the school library right now, killing some time before my next class, that would be English . . . more talk about Johnathan Swift's "Modest Proposal", I really enjoyed that one. Maybe whoever coined the phrase "eat the rich" had read and was influenced by Swift? Knowing that his suggestion that the poor in Ireland eating their babies as a solution to their poverty and strife was satirical, and was in fact what the English, the absentee landlords were doing to the general population in a figurative sense. Hmmmm . . . did ya miss me while I was on hiatus?. I have not really been doing much of anything, haha I am so addicted to this new video game that my boyfriend gave me for Christmas: The Sims Online. I is basically a release for me, I can be anything I want to there . . . but maybe it is escapism? Knowing that it is back to reality, and so much reading that I must do for school . . . Christmas vacation is never quite long enough, or just long enough to make me really lazy. Well on that note, I really should go and get some reading done before I go to class . . . more later :)

2002-12-27T12:35:00.000-05:00

#@$&*!!!!!
I think I need to vent right now, so that is what brings me here.... anyone remember when I was talking about the psycho upstairs? Well since I have decided to drop all charges from her coming into my apartment (unsolicited) in the summer time and causing trouble (I realize this is not the proper legal jargon but it will suffice), she has been put into some mental health diversion program. Although I think it was a fitting alternative, as opposed to pressing charges against someone who is clearly not coherent enough to understand how her actions were affecting others I have since been getting harrassed by her other half (an equally unbalance individual as it turns out). Since the beginning of December he has written a really psychotic letter to me... (hmmmm perhaps I should post it lol) as well as called the cops on me twice for noise complaints... for watching teevee or for my alarm clock or what not. Just before he called on the men in blue yesterday, he slipped another note under my door about 3 minutes after I started listening to music (saying something like I am calling the cops in 60 seconds), it was not loud, and for that matter it was in the daytime hours, in which case who really cares anyway. Well not one but two squad cars came out, I guess they needed back-up (and they wonder why our city has gone over budget?). Apparently, having a noise complaint is a "chargeable" offence according to this cop that was at my door... and he even comented that my music was not loud. Why is it that noise is now a chargeable offence? And where the fuck did a 24 hour city noise by-law come into play here? The are enigmas to me, and as a result I feel like I must walk on eggshells in my own apartment..... what is next, a noisy sex complaint? Oh fuck!

2002-12-22T20:59:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas

2002-12-17T10:00:00.000-05:00

We make a cute couple

this picture was taken of me and my man back in 1947 at a local tattoo convention.... we were sure cute back then :)

2002-12-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

Moving Along
Well, don't know if I mentioned it but I actually have a nice boyfriend, and for anyone that has known me for a long time they will know how unusual that is.... for I am usually quite partial to the complete assholes.... and no Les, I am not referring to K.... he was nice but I am talking about anyone in like the last 9 years. Well he met my mom on the weekend which I was really nervous about because well, not because of him.... it is her that gets me nervous... hahaha took a valium before we left. But I was not disappointed, went better than expected. She likes him! She was very well behaved.... and she took some pics of us with her digital camera (hehehe I kept whispering to Gred to make funny faces, and I did the same everytime she took a pic). We did let her take one nice one.... but in her old age I am not sure she even noticed with her eyesight getting so bad. Actually we went there to drop off my kidlet for the night.... we later on went to meet some of his family, specifically his Aunt and Uncle, his Gran and her husband too.... well I think I made a disasterous mistake.... I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.... I wanted to make a good impression on them (the first one as they say is a lasting one). Well I went outside with said aunt and she shared a smoke with me...... UH OH. I should have declined, duh.... maybe it was a test? I was way too uh, you know.... I got pretty quiet for a while. Other than that I dunno, I think they thought that my vegetarianism was a strange concept... thankfully Gred explained to them before we sat down that I was a vegetarian so they wouldn't think I was being rude. I guess I should have eaten more but I am a little neurotic... about eating in front of people (particularly with people that are new to me). Therapy you ask? Well I have my own brand of therapy.... something I have not done in a while but think I need to get back to collaging, then there is the body modifying which I have been getting more and more into.... I like it, it makes my body mine, I don't know how to answer all the questions I get sometimes.... and I disagree that I am mutilating myself (I used to do worse things to myself which I will not discuss).... someone else did that to me already although it was not visible from the outside (no I am not saying any more about it right now). Wow I am disclosing almost a little bit too much at once.... but I guess that was part of my reason for starting a blog in the first place.... that and my real name is not connected to this at all. I feel like I can write for a safe place.... hmmm. Well over Christmas Gred will be meeting more of my fam. We are staying at my sister's for christmas eve/day....... and I think there are a whack of peeps coming by for Christmas dinner, and he can watch the madness unfold. Christmas eve will be great though... sit in the hot tub and drink this concoction my sister makes.... tastes just like kool-aid but is not quite so innocent. Good times! It's okay though, my kid will be at my mom's for Christmas eve and they'll be coming on Christmas morning, so it will just be L & M, Gred and myself.

Oh my sister called last night and told me my mom thought I was high when she dropped my kid off on Sunday.... haha that is funny, I was straight as an arrow...... she is so fucking suspicious. I don't smoke grass around my kid!

2002-12-10T00:16:00.000-05:00

Stetchy stretchy

not quite done yet though.....

2002-12-03T19:22:00.000-05:00

Another Stretch
Yeah that is the latest one, went up to an 8 gauge today (I had been inserting other rings into my 12 gauge so it was already a 10, which made the stretch to 8 rather effortless..... yeehaw. I am gonna wait it out a few weeks and then I am gonna start putting a bit of weight on them for a couple hours a night.... like combination locks, ect, so that my next stretch will be a breeze. I will make progress reports every so often in regards to my mods anyway so you'll hear about it. Ciao!

2002-12-03T01:47:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what happened to the kids from Degrassi Junior High?

2002-12-02T11:06:00.000-05:00

Reinventing Myself
here is a

rough sketch of a chest piece I would like to have done.... one of these days, I really like old skool style and I think it would look great....
Oh and speaking of old skool, here are some kids breaking into some oldskool moves

2002-12-01T17:56:00.000-05:00

I am back
Some of you may have been wondering where I have disappeared to lately.....? Well I have been in pain.... kinda a back thing/pinched nerve/muscle spasm or whatever. Anyway have been on anti-inflamatories and diazapam to relax the muscles and though it still hurts, I am feeling well enough to at least blog. I mentioned my lobe stretching last time I was on here and just today I decided to shove another earring in there so to maybe speed the process along, because I do want to go for another stretch again pretty soon. Here is what it looks like now but I will keep giving progress reports, and pictures so you can see my ears morphing. Hope none of you are squeemish. Went to see Trole play out in St Thomas on Friday noght, fun show, though the atmosphere is a little different from the London shows.... there is one of those toy machine/claw things there and a friend of Gred won a power puff girl for me . . . . aren't I special? Also (and I think he must have picked this up while on tour), Rob has a new trick to dazzle the fans with.... he poofs fire out of his hand.... I am still trying to figure out exactly how it is done.... hmmmm

2002-11-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

A much needed pick-me-up
After being in a slump for what seems like forever, I decided I needed to spoil myself today.... started out by getting my hair coloured. Ran into a friend of mine today and went to his place for coffee.... heh, I guess that guy I was dating really is a dog after all, and it is not in my imagination.... he went to my friend's place with some chick he has actually been seeing some time now.... hmmmm, and on another occaision with his ex, who he told me many a time he was completely done with, I guess her "hounding" paid off.... whatever, she can have the dog (I guess she doesn't mind sharing him with how ever many more women he has on the go). Feels good just to bitch about it. After I left my friend's place I went to Addictive and got my earlobes stretched. Only to a 12 gauge though, I will probably go to 10g in a month or so, and so on until I get to about a 00, gradually as to avoid pain and keloidial tissues. While I was there I went upstairs to see Trevor (he did my last tattoo) to see if we could get together to discuss some of the work I am planning to have done in the new year, but it needs planning so I want to bring in some art for him.... something inspired by Brian Froud, but that is all I will say about it at this time. I also finally got my latest English essay done which is such a relief.... and only two weeks left until exams start. YAY!!!

2002-11-16T04:53:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep....... things are bothering me

2002-11-16T01:59:00.000-05:00

LMAO funny xylphone thingy

hey I need to relieve my stress with mindless, trivial things sometimes.

2002-11-15T01:10:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought you've found it... it's not here either.

2002-11-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

Ugh...... :(

I am Freaking out.... I have a week to analyse this this poem, and write a 4 page essay about it.... kill me now please?

SONNET #138
By William Shakespeare
When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her, though I know she lies,
That she might think me some untutored youth,
Unlearnèd in the world's false subtleties.
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young,
Although she knows my days are past the best,
Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue:
On both sides thus is simple truth supressed.
But wherefore says she not she is unjust?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
Oh, love's best habit is in seeming trust,
And age in love loves not to have years told.
Therefore I lie with her and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flattered by.

2002-11-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

Mildred sees the light!

2002-11-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

Currently listening to:
*~* Leather *~*

Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence

Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear

Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
"In a sense" he said "you're alone here
So if you jump you best jump far"

Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god its all very clear
If love isn't forever
And it's not the weather
Hand me my leather

2002-11-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I was just getting my hot apple cider out of the nuker about 5 minutes ago, when the phone rang.... dun dun dun..... It is the fricken STALKER. Well to make a long story short, he is a creepy creepy guy that really liked me in highschool.... like this particular school I went to about 12 years ago. I had never given this guy my phone number ever in my life.... I moved out of the province for years and after being back here for about 4 - 5 months (3 years ago) this guy called me. I did not know who he was but he knew me.... after his trying to refresh my memory many times, and me looking him up in a friend's yearbook... I finally knew..... creepy Dave. Well I had him calling me all the time a few years back for over a year, despite my telling him I really did not want to go out with him, did not want to talk to him, ect ect.... I thought that after I finally screamed at him to fuck right off that I got rid of him.... he was all worried about me lol. Well fast forward 2 years and that is today.... it was him!!!! I decided no being nice, no beating around the bush..... I hope he gets that I do not want to hear from him.... he is really creepy..... c'mon guy it was a stupid highschool crush, get over it.

2002-11-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

I do not know everything. One thing I know for sure is that when you ask someone a question about something that means something to you and they say they "don't want to talk about it," it is a sure sign they know they are wrong. Like you are seeing someone for instance and you read an essay they have written that says that "2 out of the 5 girlfriends" have enjoyed their latest body mods... and you thought you were the only one, so he said... he likes me a lot. But that was then. Funny thing though, when I asked him about it, he said he told me he was seeing other people.... ha, as I recall, it was one date with some wannabe satanist chick, who, come to think of it, he told me he went out for a bite with her a few about 5 weeks ago, "but it wasn't a date". Sure it wasn't. The thing that really pisses me off is that he was not as forthcoming with me as he should have been. He even told me that he had said to his ex to stop calling because he was seeing someone else, I thought he ment just me, because he didn't say anything about the other 4 women. It makes me think, when I was at the bar with him that one time with him and he don't me not to touch him when this other girl showed up.. and disappeared outside with her, that is just one of his many girlfriends. When he told me he cared about me, he lied. When he didn't have time for me because of "work" he was probably out with someone else. When all of a sudden he could not have me over at his place, it was because he was most likely juggling 4 other women. God dammit, I think I should just get over the dog -even if it was only dating. Duh, I feel so stupid now... he is such a womanizer : why would I cry over him?? Whatever, to anyone reading this, he is just some nameless, faceless, moral-less guy. still, it really really does not sit well in my stomach.... makes them feel used. Used up. I know I deserve better.... Just goes to show you, you really shouldn't put that much trust in people, even when they look you in the eye and tell you how much they like you or care about you. I guess when he said he wanted to take things slow so we didn't screw things up what he ment was he didn't want me to interfere with all the piece of ass he was getting on the side.... how contemptible. I am worth far more than that.... even if this is just some kind of self affirmation and nothing more. Maybe I should modify the top 10 list eh? I heard somewhere that he got really upset once when someone called him a womanizer..... that is so funny, if a guy doesn't want to be called a womanizer then maybe he should stop being one.
eeeeep! I feel like I need to take a really long shower....

People show you who they are.... believe them.

2002-11-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

Grrrrrrr I am at school and the computers here really suck shit.... I try to look at my blog and it won't let me!!! For once it is not blogger being lame either, just the good for nothing computer network at school.... and to think with the amount of tuition we pay to be here (UWO is one of the most expensive schools in Canada if not the most) the technical services would not be so half assed or mediocre.... but as Le Tigre has said it "Mediocrity Rules".

2002-11-04T18:08:00.000-05:00

story time

Today I went for a bike ride to Chapters.... was gonna get Irvine Welsh's new book "Porno" but I won't have time to read it for awhile, so I opted for some lighter reading.
Amphigorey, which is an anthology containing 15 of Edward Gorey's stories, which is where "The Wuggly Ump" was taken, and "The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy" by Tim Burton.... just kinda found that one by accident, which is great because I have wanted that one for some time now..... I have been a little down in the dumps lately and this book reaaly make me laugh...

2002-11-04T02:16:00.000-05:00

A thousand words
Here are some photography links I found.... check 'em out:

Sherry Globman: a collection of rock photography....rocktography!

real life

suicide girls

I think I can really relate to this one <--keep clicking on the photo to see more photos...

Geoff Cordner

punk rawk porn <--- hey Feedback, there are even pierced ones here!!

and speaking of photography.... feed the supermodels!

2002-11-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

Currently listening to...
Hurt (quiet)

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

2002-11-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

Know the clues, because if you pay attention you won't fall under the spell. Here are hints that will hound you if you are dating an asshole, enchanting or otherwise:

1. You say things like, "But when we are alone together..." or "When it's just the two of us...", you are dating an asshole. Because if it is only good when it is just the two of you it's not good enough. There's a little thing called Life out there and, I hate to break it to you, it involves other people. Lots of them. A-Hole. Run.

2. You say, "This was a good weekend for us." Like that's good news. You are supposed to have a good weekend 95% of the time. This is when you spend the bulk of your time together, uninterrupted by work or other distractions. If you can't make the most of this time together and freely enjoy it, why the hell are you with this A-Hole?

3. He doesn't call. Especially to prove some sort of punishing point. Best solution for this: Change your number. He's an A-Hole.

4. You find out that he has been seeing 4 other women (yet it is "work" that keeps him so busy that he hasn't seen you in over 2 weeks), and he has slept with at least one other woman besides you... dating others is one thing, but I draw the line at sex ladies and gents.

5. He is in crisis, turmoil, at a traumatic turning point, or is just a moody jerk. Run. There is no way you are going to be able to make this work if his life doesn't work already.

6. You want/secretly hope he will change. Or worse, you change/alter yourself for him. Now you are on the verge of becoming an A-Hole.

7. You cry.

8. There are more bad times than good -- or, all good times are followed by spats.

9. His problems become yours, and your life takes a back seat or has to be downplayed to keep the peace.

10. You keep referring back to that special beginning when friends ask why you put up with his shit.

hmmmm 2, 3, 5, 6 ,7.... the indicators are there.... I guess I did the right thing huh?

2002-11-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

Well I guess I can breath.... told the man it is not working out.... too bad, I really did like him. He is not really into spanning time with me and I don't think it shows a lot of self respect to sit around waiting until it is convenient for him to see me....Why the hell should I care about someone who doesn't give a shit about me... I couldn't even touch him or anything at the bar because his ex was there... that is crap.... he has another chick living with him, that is crap, I can't see him because some chick is living with him, and after not seeing him and not fitting in to his tight schedule I am supposed to think nothing of it, even though he has time to drive 2 hours out of his way to get her but can't even come and see me. Might have been lame for me to do it over the phone even, yeah very lame, but under the circumstances, I have no idea when I would see him... if I did, maybe I wouldn't have done it at all, but I am sure that is what he wanted anyway, so whatever... also my birthday was a few weeks ago and he didn't really seem to care too much... came by witha friend for about 40 minutes and left... no card, no momento. That kind of stuff matters to me. So, I guess that's it. He seemed pretty nonchalant about it when I told him any way... so I guess I did the right thing. I was kinda expecting him to pull a no show tomorrow night anyway so I figured I would save him the hassle.... he can't do anything with me because he has to go out with someone he sees everyday... or any other number of things that are higher on his priority list. Haven't gone anywhere with him in 3 weeks, I haven't seen him in over two weeks... I don't care if he says he still likes me because his actions speak louder. I don't care if things are supposedly going to be different, because this whole situation is like a big deja vu to me... I know I have been through this in the past and I know that they do not change. I am tired of feeling pissed off because I have been wasting my time. I don't want to feel sad about a stupid guy that really doesn't care about me. People can say anything they want, but it is really all the little things they do or don't do, and I have been there and done that. I won't do that anymore, I know I am worthy or better things... yeah I know... bitch bitch bitch, but what's the point in holding it all in... I can't even talk to him about it anyway, he never has time for me. He hasn't seen me in over 2 weeks but he has a stupid halloween party to go to tonight....if we're supposed to be dating then why didn't he invite me? why should tonight be different, not like my birthday mattered to him. Even my ex, who is a pain in the ass by the way, did more for me on my birthday..... and he's an asshole.... if assholes treat me better then I am better off alone.
Why the fuck am I crying? That is so lame... I am lame for crying over it.... I am lame for crying over someone who treats me so lame. Makes me want to slap myself.
At least I have a tonne of chocolate here to console myself.

OKAY I admitted it... to myself and only a couple of people that are close to me, I have been pissed off. Simply put. I have been pissed off because I know that I deserve better than that.... I am better than that....and no I do not feel better for having said or done any of this, but at least it is a step forward. Right?

2002-11-01T00:17:00.000-05:00

Just on time for halloween...... my alter ego
To link it (the actual code):

2002-10-31T00:12:00.000-05:00

Food for thought
Fine Dining

2002-10-30T14:21:00.000-05:00

Slowly......
Things are coming along, got my Rhetorical and poetic terms done... just gotta study them and maybe while I do my scansions I will see if I can identify some of them as they come up. Had a meeting with my kid's teacher this morning, I was late. Then went to the new library downtown and grabbed 3 more books on Frida Kahlo.... now, now, I think I have enough sources for my research... 6 books on Frida and a text book with snippets about her art. My life. It's so exciting huh? Ok you want excitement... hmmm... I bought a new toque yesterday, can't beat that! Oh got some pretty flowers from my cowboy friend on Sunday.... I can't remember the last time I got flowers, I am glad they were not roses... I hate roses... I hate carnations too, but anyways, it was a nice gesture. I don't feel worthy.
Tonight I am going to have a massive study session.... women's studies exam tomorrow!!

Look at my creation

Whew... just checked my mail, I got approved for a bursary... I can breath now... I really needed that.
Now if I just had someone to veg out and cuddle with....

2002-10-30T02:06:00.000-05:00

Fuck I'm tired!
Zzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2002-10-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

Good Times
Well the movie night went very well... back to work today (grumble). Did you ever get the feeling that someone you dated was too nice for you? Well maybe it isn't that... I guess when I think that it is someone that my sister would actually aprove of then I start thinking like that. Maybe it's not such a bad thing.... I should learn to silence that inner critic once in a while, if I did I might actually be happy. A more critical observation might be how drawn I am to guys that don't treat me very nice... I guess it is that masochistic side of me. It was a really nice evening, we watched Momento and Resident Evil... the former was nothing like I had anticipated... I thought I had it all figured out but by the end of the movie I was more confused, I think it is one of those movies you have to watch more than once. The latter was the ultimate in horror movies. I know it is good if it can make me jump in my seat! Also had a lot of sets that looked like they were right out of the game, and most of the score was slipknot muzik. We're gonna get together again soon sometime, I think maybe we should go and check out Bowling for Columbine, I have heard great things about it. Oh, he brought me over a little present... A really cool Trole poster (my friend Dana took the photograph, she is the official photographer of Trole y'know... she will be famous someday - all the big rock bands will be banging on her door... wonder if she needs an agent? hehe).

2002-10-26T20:00:00.000-04:00

HAHA!

I laughed so hard I nearly cried

2002-10-26T18:28:00.000-04:00

Look, we made a crappy jack o lantern

Any guesses as to what or who it is?

2002-10-26T11:51:00.000-04:00

Wheeeeee
Went on a date last night. I must say it was one of the best dates I've had in some time. When he showed up to pick me up, he was very sharp looking so I took the opportunity to change my own attire and I was so glad I did... I would have been really underdressed for where we went - a restaurant called Willies. Candlelight. Wine. Am I conjuring any images here. It was nice... he knows the chef there so they sent some kind of h'orderves to the table. Heh, I felt like a shit..... "is this vegetarian pate?" So they wisked it back to the kitchen and brought back something that tasted like a cross between bruschetta and stuffed grape leaves... mmm mmm! When the main course came I was nearly too full from the cream of butternut squash and sweet potato soup to eat any more.... So after that we went to some bar (used to be a gay bar a long time ago, called Banisters I think) where his buddy's band (Ten Heads) was playing... all in all it was a great night. That man can dance.... woohoo, rock-a-billy cowboys are fun. I think he had as good a time as I did, he called me this morning and we went for brunch, brought my kid along on this one.... and he still wants to see me again. He asked me if I wanted to get together this evening but I told him to maybe gimme a call later.... I have made plans with someone else already, I am sure it will be a nice evening, we're gonna rent a movie or two, I will put some coffee on, chat, whatever.

Together or Alone
(Lou Barlow)
t was never my intention
to blindly feed the boy/girl game
i know romance isn't everything
but i'm obsessing just the same
because today i don't feel worthy
you seem so beautiful and strong
these unsure hands could never soothe you
too afraid of doing something wrong
and this confusion wears me down
until i feel like a nervous stranger
could i help you grow, i guess we'll never know
set up for a let-down
these things happen all the time
and i'm not longing to explore it again
i'm too scared of what you'll find
and this confusion wears me down
but i'll smile when i'm with you
cause there's so much we could do
together or alone
'm not afraid of being alone

2002-10-25T01:51:00.000-04:00

I've been shined once again.... damn I guess I should take a hint. Maybe I should just be happy I have a date tomorrow night. I am sure he'll show up, he made reservations. I think I should just forget the other guy... unless he were to miraculously become more available. I don't think that is gonna happen. Probably best to just hold on to what pride I have left now.

Bwahahahaha! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

2002-10-23T18:24:00.000-04:00

So much studying to do lately, and I am just about caught up in woman's studies... yeehaw. Just need to read one more article tonight and I am there, then I can start on the research paper for the same class (as well as study for the mid-term). I need to get the rest of the slides for that mid-term xeroxed as well... I need to know the titles of all the pieces of art and the the artists and the years they were done. I need to know what connotations, and denotations of those paintings are, and then there is going to be a "mystery" artist and I have to explain why I believe it is a male or a female artist and explain the meaning behind the painting....in the mean time I got to get going on my research for my woman studies essay on Friday Kahlo's life and art (wondering what route I should go for narrowing my topic). I also have a philosophy exam coming up in a couple of weeks, would it surprize anyone that I am looking forward to the Christmas holidays already?

oh, here is a link to some women artists

2002-10-21T18:38:00.000-04:00

Today I started out pretty slow, dropped the kidlet off at her before school program then came back home where I crawled back into bed.... 4 hours later I decided to get my ass in gear and get all that running around done, financial aid office (I need more funding) and then to the Weldon Library to get copies of the readings I was behind in. I have had a lot of time to think about the state of mind I've been in..... re: that boy I've been dating. I think my problem is that I can forget to be objective about things that are close to me.... objectively I have neglected to consider the way he treats me, not that he is a bad person, but perhaps he just doesn't notice certain things (like how much I like him). Oh well I can see other people I guess, actually I was asked out on a date with this guy I met awhile ago... (did I mention the guy with the cowboy hat?) so why not, it isn't like I was in a committed relationship, if that were the case, it would be an entirely different story. So I have resolved to date more. It would be good for me to have a more full social life, and besides that, it gives me blog fodder, so I will have something other than bitching to talk about on this thing. On that note, the guy from the party called me today (let's call him G, he got my number from D). Anyways, we talked for over an hour... he got to say, not a dull moment though.... I finally know the whole story behind that infamous psycho French chick/Trole groupie from Alberta.... hehehe. We got talking about Frida Kahlo, and the upcoming movie about her life, and whenever the hell that comes out we are gonna go check it out... this is cool, thought I'd be seeing that one solo. Actually I think we may do something on Friday night... seems like it might be a go, I haven't really been doing to much with my Friday nights for awhile...I really must say, they could not have picked a more fitting actress for the part of Frida, Salma Hayek has an uncanny resemblance to her... just needs to wear some prosthetic eyebrows maybe.

Hmmm seems I have a date on Friday night with the man in the hat... we're doing the dinner thing... I just agree'd to this 10 minutes ago and already I am having second thoughts. I guess this is just something I have resolved to do because I am not in a serious relationship and so I should just date more. Damn I hope I am not making a mistake.

2002-10-20T20:38:00.000-04:00

Even with your heart crushed life goes on
Well I went to a party last night (a family friendly event) downtown at the graffiti art gallery. I had debated on not going because I have been feeling a little down lately, as anyone can see from the stuff I've been writing lately... yeah I think it was more or less feeling like the guy I'd been dating has lost interest in me, maybe time to move on? I have wanted to say something to him, I think the fact that I do really like him was holding me back... seeing as he rarely calls me though I don't think he'll notice, I mean c'mon, he didn't even do anything for my birthday, aside from hint that he was going to do something. But anyway, back to last nights social intercourse. Having the kids there was a pretty good idea, they kept each other occupied and a good time could be had by all. Met a guy that I used to go to highschool with, seems we have some friends in common... funny that he recognized me, it's only been like 13 years, I guess he had a crush on me back in our days at Banting, I never would have known. I also got chatting with a cute guy for a major part of the evening and I must say he is not only a great listener but seems really smart. Smart, cute, and funny guys are a welcomed distraction from my nearly non-existent dating life, and so I heard today, he asked a friend of mine for my number after I left last night, so I gave her the go ahead. Well.... I may add a few more words later, got to get some reading done and fold laundry.

Okay, okay... I have to dump some of this shit I have been carrying around, it has been wearing on me. I would say it all right out to ... let's just call him J, but I don't even think that would change anything, people change because they want to, not because others are dissatisfied, or express a want for change. All I can really do is bitch about it on my jounal and then just pick myself up from the slump I have been in. Well things started out pretty good with J but have been really going downhill for the last month or so... he never has time for me, but seems to have time for everything else, but when he is with me he still says all these sweet things like "I miss you all the time" but his actions are really disconcerting for me if that is the case because I know that if I really missed someone, I would go out of my way to see them. It bothers me, it really bothers me, and I am gutless for not saying anything about it to him, like when he asks me if anything is bothering me... I also feel like I've increasingly become nothing more than a drop-by.... he will make time for me about once a week and it is usually pretty late at night, like after 11 (which he is usually late for), so this just makes me feel like a convenience. It bothers me. I can think of so many ways in which his words and his actions completely cancel one another out, so why do I bother with him? I can go on about this but I won't.... it is clearly just a waste of my time.... it sure sucks though, I really liked him. I really should just forget about him though, I don't think things are going to get any better. If that is as good as is gets, then I don't want any more. Somebody tell me please... does this sound like someone who likes me? Cause I don't think so

2002-10-17T21:33:00.000-04:00

Bwahahaha!

Hey, guess
what? I'm a--

What
color Yoshi are you? Come take the quiz!

2002-10-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

Blah
I don't know, why do write when I have nothing worthwhile to say... something that often keeps me away from here. That and I have felt really blah lately, kinda blue... went away for Thanks Giving to my sister's trailer, where she and her hubby frequent on the weekends. It was pretty slow around there, so they say, I hear it is busier during the summer months. For fun they mostly sit around the fire and drink at night.... that's alright I guess, and they play horse shoes (yawn). I was really glad they had satelite so I was not entirely cut off all weekend. Other than that, there is so much reading for school and new essays for me to contend with... one of which I am doing research on Frida Kahlo for... what her art means in the context of feminism, basically. I really just want to go to bed and pull the blanket over my head... I don't know where any of this is going to get me, even if I find it interesting... even more so when it bores me. I feel like this a lot of the time, and wonder if I am the only one. I get mixed messages from people and again, I wonder why I am there, what am I doing and where it is going... not even sure if I am interested or bored anymore (come to think of it, I am interested, but but frequently wonder if it's in my better interest not to be, interested). Okay maybe it is not all about academics that have gotten me in a rut... as Kid would say, yeesh.

Okay, here it is... it has been funneling through my brain all day. Simply put, someone I am particularly fond of, seems to be drifting off. I have felt that maybe he is losing interest in me. Maybe he is busy, but I get busy all the time and when I like someone I try to make time for them, more than once every week or two anyway, but that is just me. I hate to admit defeat so freely but in keeping past experience in mind, I's aware of the tell tale signs that things are not working out for both parties... unfortunately when that happens then someone will have their feelings hurt. Unfortunately that is me. I know I have hinted around this before, but now I am feeling pretty certain about it... maybe time for me to throw in the towel... I hate feeling like this. No, I haven't said anything to him, but he did say to me when we started seeing each other that he didn't want a girlfriend so I don't really feel like I have a right to say anything... and to make things worse, my ex told me this would happen, that really pisses me off too. There I said it. I don't feel better. Maybe it is because he couldn't get away from his house because someone's staying there, but when I call he is never there, maybe if he isn't interested in me he should just say it, maybe if he was he might show me that he is... maybe I shouldn't care, maybe, but it's too late for that... maybe I am just too dramatic. I experience the highs and lows of life very intensely. Maybe it's a curse or maybe it's a blessing.

2002-10-10T02:43:00.000-04:00

Well I'm a whole year older now, though I am told I don't look it. Didn't do too much on my actual birthday (which was the 8th if anyone is curious), but did go out on Friday night to see some bands playing... too bad I got there too late for the Matadors. Ended up leaving the show early, but it was worth it to spend some time alone with my friend ;) Oh yeah did I mention why I am on here this late? You guessssed it... the sandman missed me again... why does this keep happening to me? Not even the valerian root worked for me this time, starting to consider asking my doc for some sleeping pills. But at least now I have time to blog some precious few words for my people... did y'all miss me this last week? I have been busy, wrote an essay which is due tomorrow a.m. and I have 2 tests tomorrow... so you can all imagine how much I wanted to sleep... but after lying there for 2 hours and nothing I gave up trying, I guess it will be a Tim Horton's kinda day. Maybe a nap when I get home from school tomorrow too.... well I will be going now....

>sigh< didn't do so great on my English test, but I have a good feeling about my sociology test.... I have had this song in my head by Rufus Wainwright all day so I will share it with all of you:

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings Everything it seems I like's a little
bit stronger A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me
If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter, A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me
And then there's those other things Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder A little bit deadly
It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town
Playing with prodigal sons
Takes a lot of sentimental valiums Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty
You little old doll with a frown
You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward I suggest a reading of A Lesson in Tightropes'
Or Surfing Your High Hopes'
Or Adios Kansas'
It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish A little bit Tower of Pisa Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

2002-10-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

Upward Mobility
Woohoo... I feel like celebrating! When I went to work tonight, I got a promotion to shift supervisor. Effective November 15th I wll be getting a raise and (here's the best part) I do not have to wash the floors at the end of the shift any more... I get to do the paper work instead, much preferrable to menial chores :) With my birthday coming in less than a week, I could not have asked for a better gift, though I did earn it. Now I must go and do some reading for my classes tomorrow... later

Check this out---> Mildred

2002-09-30T20:59:00.000-04:00

Pulling my hair out
I feel stressed, I knew there would be a lot of reading... It's hard to stay on top of it all, maybe I need to manage my time a little better? I have an essay (500 words) due next week on how the dominant mode of romance is complicated by specific elements of comedy, tragedy and/or satire in The Tempest....... ugh!! Well I have written one paragraph so far, and I don't think I have even come close to narrowing down my thesis statement, though I did mention something about Prospero's sorcercy bringing Alonso's crew full circle from when they exiled him from his own kingdom.... I hate this!! Any experts on literary modes out there?

2002-09-25T15:06:00.000-04:00

Caffeine is the Answer
ACT I
Today, since I had no classes, the big plan was to get a lot of reading done... meant to read The Tempest. I did get the first Act read... then fell asleep! Still in a haze as if in dreamstate it came to me: I need caffeine!
ACT II
While I was at the little corner store I decided it would be best to get all my caffiene food groups in order... mmm hot chocolate with marshmallows, I'll get some of that, yeah the instant coffee will work too, got my diet pepsi... finally, what caffeine diet would be complete without some chocolate? I wonder if they have any JOLT?
ACT IIIyou know, with this concoction of hot chocolate mixed with instant coffee grounds (which actually tastes pretty good I might add) I am sure not to fall asleep while reading Shakespeare... Shakespeare is fine and good but I think I have come down with acedemic narcolepsy.... mmmm the caffeine is starting to take effect. Maybe I will get this done today.... too bad I have to work though, that will cut into my big plan just a bit... maybe a late night?

and this is what too much caffiene feels like

2002-09-23T12:41:00.000-04:00

On organization...
Being the studious individual that I am, I have realized my need to have some structure in my life... I have felt lost since I lost my day-timer! So this morning while on my bike ride to Tim Horton's for my wake-up brew, I stopped into Staples and got a new one. Now I will have no excuses for falling behind in my readings ( I say this as I neglect my reading to pay homage to my blog ). But that is the plan for today anyway, sorry if I am boring you all with my rambling, but as Dana would say: sometimes it's the ordinary things... maybe I can pencil you in for something more extraordinary? So far though the only thing I have noticed is how much time I have wasted jotting down all of my deadlines that I have to meet. Well I should go. My day-timer dictates that I have reading to do. Hmmm...

grrrrr my rent is being increased... damn bourgeousie landlords!

2002-09-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

I'm no art critic, but...
Wow 3 weeks of school over already, where did the time go? That, in case you were wondering is what keeps me away from my blog (for the most part). So far I really like my classes, especially my women's studies class: Women and the Creative Arts... so far it our focus has been on how women artists have been viewed historically, how standards for women artists in the 15th and 16th century were drastically different from their male counterparts. How the female body has been depicted differently from male and female perspectives, and that would include seeing historic female heroines through different coloured lenses so to speak. One example of such would be all of the Venus paintings that were created by various artists during the Renaissance... Remeber Venus? You know, she was the Greek Goddess of love and beauty. In reality, the title "Venus" was usually slapped on these paintings to avoid prosecution under the sumptuary legislation of that time, meaning that women were expected to be modest (in fact, the punishment for any women being accused of infidelity against her husband was death, while the guilty male party would recieve a fine). The sumptuary laws were a means to control the masses, and remind people of their lot in life, and to protect the morals of the people. Perhaps the most well known depiction of Venus was "The Birth of Venus" by Sandro Botticelli, but there were other, more provocative images of Venus in a reclining position that were much more protreptical (I would surmise that the models were prostitutes... very common in that time). Many of these paintings depicted Venus in a very un-Venus-like poses... and the fact that they were entitled "Venus" allowed many of the male artists of that time to produce the soft porn of the Renaissance and still avoid prosecution under the sumptuary laws. Titian popularized the reclining Venus, and in many of his works what about Venus? If not for the title Venus, the onlooker would have no way of knowing that these images were of godly stature... Here is a work which we were critiquing in my class yesterday:
In this image, entitled "Venus of Urbino" by Titian (which is a beautiful painting) for instance, note the position of her hands. You might say that by shielding her genitals, that would be a symbol of modesty... but on closer observation, her hands are curved as if she were trying to pleasure herself or maybe even to provoke the male onlooker. The way she looks directly at the audience, with head cocked coyly to the side could also be seen as sexual, which in that time would only have been acceptable because this is Venus, and she is above the mortal boundaries of sumtuarity. Their are other allusions to her overt sexuality here too, notice the flowers she is holding are too a symbol of her ripe sexuality... she is ready to be devoured by her male admirerer. Her hair loose and wild, and her nude body adorned with jewels would also follow suit... meant to suduce the beholder. The last point here is that our Venus is depicted in a very peculiar setting… in the background, life carries on as usual. The rumpled sheets on her bed may also suggest that something may have been going on before hand. Ah I feel like I am ranting... none of this has really had time to settle in my brain, the fact is though that a woman artist of that time would have presented Venus in a different light. This is just one perspective, by today's standards this is not pornographic at all, but in a historical sense it definitely was and was probably created for a private setting. Also I am not saying that porn is a bad thing (far from it), from my point of view, it all depends on the porn and the intended audience has much to do with how it is percieved.

2002-09-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

Aren't We Sassy
Went to the fair with my friend Dana and we got this photo done, I am the devil she is the angel

I don't really like the way I look, but it's still pretty funny.

2002-09-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

Hmmm... this explains it

I WAS A STRANGE CHILD
there are no words to describe you.
except maybe: strange. unique. different.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)
I wonder what the Freudians would think?

2002-09-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

Got Ink?
Well after I got some of my studying done this morning I went to my tattoo appointment and got the shading done...
Probably go back soon for more work.

2002-09-09T08:05:00.000-04:00

Oh Joy!!
I am so happy I could shit... OSAP is in. I can pay my rent, I can pay my bills. But most importantly, I can buy new shoes.

Mental note to self: must remember to stick to a budget this year...

Thirsty?

2002-09-07T15:56:00.000-04:00

Disturbing Film REvue
Well I am once again left twitching with trepidation after watching a film by Larry Clark, that being last summer's teen docudrama Bully. As the opening credits fade we are soon introduce to Bobby, a boy in denial of his closeted homo-sexual tendancies toward his life long best friend Marty, and a penchant for taking out his rage on anyone who comes in contact with him. The answer to me would have been simple, just avoid the guy... like a plague. However, a group of friends (prompted by Marty's new girlfriend Lisa) resolve to kill him, and proceed with his poorly planned demise. This film had echos of Tim Hunters late 80 film River's Edge if only because the guilty parties are either unwilling or unable to stop talking about their crime. This film was nicely casted, the actors portrayed the sense of hopelessness and bordom that was probably more pervasive in the lives of these kids than even the bullying at the hands of Bobby must have been. What was even more shocking than Bobby's murder was the nonchalance with which it was carried out... like, hey what do you feel like doing today? Well we could just go hang out at the Pizza Hut and maybe later on we can go and kill Bobby. If you liked Kids then check this one out... if you see date you may feel the need to shower after this one. For anyone interested, the screenplays for both KIDS and BULLY were by Harmony Korine, and if you like these titles then you should check out Gummo and Julien Donkey Boy

I later watched the special features on this DVD (Bully) and you may be interested to know, apparently the actors all had to sleep with Larry for their parts... hehe good to see they all have a good sense of humour

2002-09-06T10:22:00.000-04:00

School Daze
I have not had a lot of time for blogging this week... or maybe I have just been too preoccupied with school starting up, getting my OSAP papers processed, running into friends that I haven't seen in a while. I've got it pretty good this year, all my classes are condensed into 2 days (Tuesday and Thursday) and so far all my proffessors seem really cool, especially my woman's studies prof: Sonja. I grabbed some of my texts already too, well enough to get me through until my OSAP is in the bank... I hate waiting for that. Well, I don't really have a lot to say right now, I have laundry in and I need to do some reading for my sociology class now, I know I am not going to get any reading done tonight what with work and much needed social life after that... and I also need to go drop one of my classes, Social Justice and Peace. I really wanted to take it, and I met a cool guy (yeah I know... I am pretty content right now anyway) at school who is in that one, but I just can't do it, I need to take care of my family responsibilities. Besides that, the dropping of one course will just give me that much more time to focus on my remaining classes, I already have essays due at the beginning of October and tons of reading. Better not leave that too long. I will try not to neglect my blog in wait too often, yet I need to remember, that I pay a lot of money for school and need to make that a priority. Well... I think my clothes might be dry now... talk to you all later (all 5 of ya).

2002-09-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

Cool
Lookie here, Motoretta has there site up now and they have some pretty bitchin' Vespas for sale.... hey I gotta have a dream.

Now if only if wasn't in so much debt I could make it a reality, hmmm

2002-08-30T18:26:00.000-04:00

I hate long weekends...
I get that feeling of dread, time unfolding into the abyss of lonliness for the next 3 days. I will most certainly be house bound. But it is like this at the beginning of every September and I am sure once my OSAP comes in I will make a complete recovery. In the mean time I think I have sufficiently convinced my landlord that I am good for this months rent, I will just give him $100 for now and he will just have to wait it out for a couple of weeks (I pray it won't take longer then that). I knew I shouldn't but I got myself some Corona's and a book for this evenings entertainment. The Corona's are chilling as I my fingers type these very words. The book is one I have been meaning to read for some time: Forced Enteries The Downtown Diaries: 1971 - 1973, by Jim Carroll, a follow-up to his first memoir, The Basketball Diaries. I love his style. Here is an excerpt which I found quite amusing A DAY AT THE RACES
The French call them papillons d’amour, i.e., the “butterflies of love.” I called them crabs, the tiny parasites of crotch. Jenny Ann noticed them first. Last night she snagged one as it broke loose from the camouflage of her jet black pubic underbrush and slowly tried to patrol the crevice of a scar from a past cesarean birth, like a scout soldier traversing a trench. She seized it hostage, placing it in a specimen jar, and proceeded through the infiltration to raid the hirsute main
camp . . . at first taking more prisoners, then proceeding to a harsher, yet more expedient, tactic of strict search and destroy. She arrived at my room in the Chelsea this morning with jar in hand. After a short briefing, she removed from her bag a pocket flashlight and a magnifying glass. I was ordered to remove my pants . . . Finally, she resorted to tweezers, depositing the captives in a separate jar which had a picture of a beaming baby’s face on it and was labeled “stewed carrots.” I asked her why she was saving the little buggers (which, on close examination, did, indeed, bear an uncanny resemblance to the common crab. As far as the French are concerned, I can say in all honesty that not even Nabokov has ever seen a butterfly that looked remotely like these creatures). “You’ll see,” she answered, “just let me rub in some of this lotion I borrowed from Roger.” It was a wonderful manner by which to be medicated. My cock quickly stood erect, which was fortunate . . . we discovered two stragglers hiding beneath the base of it. With the application done, Jenny Ann removed one of the residents of her jar. “Now you pick one,” she looked over, “make sure he’s a lively type. We’re gonna have a race.” . . . the first race was the 12-inch sprint. We laid down the paper so that our pubic hair awaited at the finish line, an incentive. My crab ran like a fix, falling off the edge halfway through the race. Jenny’s was in tip-top form. He came in clocked at twenty-three seconds. We spent the next hour establishing the best of our stables, and enjoyed the rest of the day at the races. What a woman, who can turn an ailment into a viable recreation.

2002-08-28T18:19:00.000-04:00

Uh..... Yeah
5:45 PM - I have a lunatic banging at my door right now!!! This woman was at my door about a half hour
ago demanding cigarettes.. She has just returned to the building to stay with her mate after being discharged from her 3 month stay at the mental ward at one of the local hospitals. I remember them carrying her out to the ambulance a few months back, glimpsing the spectacle through my living room window. The following is a flashback the brief albeit one dimensional conversation from her first unsolicited visit to my front door:
Her :"I need a cigarette"....
me :"I am sorry"
Her :"I NEED A CIGARETTE!!"
Me : "I am very sorry, I cannot help you, I don't smoke",
her : "I NEED a CiGAreTtE NOW!!"....

I am sure this would have continued indefinitely, needless to say that conversation was brought to a halt when I quickly shut the door in the woman’s face (as that was clearly the only way to end the madness). After about 20 minutes had passed I thought it would be safe to talk to the building manager who lives next door to me…. NOT. Making a stealthy reappearance, the woman from upstairs decided to force her way (try to) into my apartment… she is pretty strong though and I just didn’t want her in my apartment (not that I deserve to be dealing with such preposterousness). It suddenly hit me that my only device was to scream “FIRE” which quickly brought the sane neighbors to my rescue…. At least enough for her to get distracted and me slam the door shut….. OH MY GOD! Well, she still kept knocking at my door (and turning my knob), so I had to call the cops… I had not other option. I was apparently not the only one to call the cops either. I am sure that woman is not evil incarnate or anything, but she definitely needs to start taking some medication so she can, hopefully not only for the safety of others but also for herself, get a grip on reality. Well I see the cruiser is out there (has been for a few minutes now), maybe they are talking her down…. I hope for her sake that they can re-admit her to the hospital, she is a long way from being well. But enough about her, I feel much better having written about this whole disquieting event. May that never recur again.
Hmmm… I really should consider getting a bigger place once my lease is up.
See Les, Vancouver is not the only place with crazy people.... :P

2002-08-28T17:04:00.000-04:00

Speed City: the Best Record Shop in Shitty Downtown London...
Well, today I went to see if I could get the ball rolling on the processing of my OSAP papers.... hmmm, no such luck. Not until Tuesday - and that pretty much sucks, rent will be late this month, but I know they can't do anything legal until the 15th so I talked to the building manager and hopefully I can hold them off until those papers have been processed. My next move was to see if I pull some strings at the bank to see if I could get overdraft in the ballpark of about $600 (I did that last year), well a big no on that but I did get a much lower rate on my Visa (from 17.5 down to 10.5 excellent!) and they increased my limit - woo fucking hoo! With the much welcomed changes to my visa, I got to cash in some points that I have accumulated over the last couple of years, so I knew what I wanted without even hearing what all of their options were. Movie passes - you just can't go wrong with movie passes, so I got two famous players evenings for two. Can you beat that? Then (and I know I should not have done this) I went to Speed City, the best little record shop in shitty downtown London to get the new Sleater Kinney CD: One Beat. The freakiest thing happened with that CD incidentally.... when I excitedly popped cd, fresh out of the celophane wrapping... nothing... nothing!... nothing? It was the bizarrest thing because the CD came with yet another single CD, also by the lovely indie rock trio, and that one worked fine. So the only thing I could think of to do was to call up Mike himself down at Speed City and tell him what the problem was... I took it down there. Thankfully when Mike put it in his stereo at the store I was completely reassured - I was not just loosing my mind, it really didn't have anything on it :) No problem though, Mike fixed me up with the same CD. NBut that's not all... like a child on Christmas, I was presented with a bunch of promotional CDs... Boyracer : To Get a Better Hold You've Got to loosen YR Grip, The Shining, Liberty X, and some cool electronika band called EIGHT MILES HIGH with their new CD" Katalog. Well just wanted to say that Mike truly rocks... and btw you should check out his links, he sells some pretty cool stuff on EBAY and for any devoted WEEN fans out there, I know there are a couple of you that come here to see what I am up to: He will be putting some rare Moist Boys vinyl on sale. Yeah I would but I have no record player. Oh yeah, I am listening to that new Sleater Kinney right now and it is pretty awesome!

2002-08-28T05:33:00.000-04:00

Feeling Healthier
Going onto day 3 of not smoking and feeling pretty proud of it. I have been going over all the reasons why I wanted to quit smoking in my head and there are so many good ones.
it smells bad
presently dating a not-smoker (don't want him to think I smell bad)
makes my house smelly
poisons others around me with second hand smoke
I don't want to pay for other people to kill me slowly
I can spend my money on other smokables that are way more fun
Smoking makes you get wrinkles (in fact I can already see fine lines under my eyes, though others have told me it's in my head)
My mom has emphysema

well just a few, I am sure I could think of more reasons just off the top of my head.... this hasn't been an easy task, part of why I haven't written on here too much in the last few days. I have been eating a lot of candy to satisfy my oral fixation ( I am sure that is a big part of why I have smoked for so long ), hmmm what can I say. I would love to be able to have just one, but I know it is not possible for me to actually have a pack of cigarettes here and not just smoke them all. Hmmm how about those illegal trees?

things thay make me want to smoke...
being on the phone... on hold... trying to get my damn OSAP! ie: "we are currently experiencing a high volume of calls. Your call is important to us, please continue to hold for the next available customer service representative." I really don't want to have to put this off until next week only to find out that once I have the paper work, it will take another week or 2 to get processed... that means my rent is very late and my land lord won't be happy... things that suck... eczema flare ups, maybe not smoking will help that?

On a happy note, I got to see my hunny last night, that sure makes me smile :)

2002-08-26T14:08:00.000-04:00

Time for some Caffeine?
I have been thinking it is time to up my caffeine intake... I just sleep way too much during the day. It is 1:45 and I think I am ready to stop sleeping, just gotta not sit anywhere comfortable. On a more uplifting note, I have not smoked for 24 hours now - yay!! The cravings are still strong ofcourse, but I have been nursing my oral fixation with other (healthier) things such as gummy bears. I wonder if I went and got some coffee if that would make my nicotine craving worse, I usually light up right after I open my coffee.... hmmm. There are so many reasons that I want to stay cigarette-free... I will smell much better. Taste better. Feel better, will save about $45 a week (always nice), and I will just live longer!

If any of you are wondering about my piercing, it seems to be healing nicecly, haven't noticed anything odd. I think that when you are nursing a new piercing and quitting smoking at the same time, it is best to just stay in the house and be a hermit. There are less temptations, and the bathrooms are much cleaner... I am a germ-a-phobe... and those public stalls are something I fear. I can wear my most comfortable clothes (slobby as they are), that do not interfere with my newly bejeweled self, and all my after care stuff is handy... there is no possible way to do salt water soaks when you are out and about. Still though, as excited as I am to give my new piercing a try, I think waiting it out at least a week is best. The general rule of thumb is no less than 2 weeks but I have heard otherwise from various sources >wink<

7:00 - Still have not given in to my urge to smoke....

2002-08-23T18:11:00.000-04:00

Pretty, pretty
So, feeling much better today, well rested.... I woke up today and decided it was time to get that new piercing. I hafta admit though, I was nervous right up until the right of passage had been followed though to the finish. Walking down Dundas Street I felt a little shaky... I even suceeded a whole 12 hours of not smoking, but out of nervousness I broke down and got myself a new pack of cancer sticks (yes, maybe quitting was a pipe-dream). When I saw my piercer :) I felt reassured, knowing I would be in good hands. I feel pretty comfortable with him, that is a big part of it. He had me wait a few minutes while he prepped his work station, and I did my part by removing my panties (that kinda helps to get those out of the way with a hood piercing hehe). When it came time to go through with it I had to really work to control my breathing, I mean, who wouldn't be a little anxious... getting right to the punch, it didn't hurt that much, my nipples actually hurt A LOT more. It looks so pretty too! Followed up with a kiss - that was nice. A stainless steel captive bead ring now bejewels my goodies (to match my other adornments ofcourse). I feel so much better about turning other people in his direction when someone came into my work and asked it there was anywhere in the mall that does body piercing - that was a big NO, piercing guns have no place where body piercing is concerned! I am so happy I got it done - finally! I have wanted one for a long time now... can't wait until it is healed >wink wink< So I will keep you all posted on how the whole healing process goes, I am sure if I just follow J's after care then I shouldn't have any problems....

Oh... more fun tonight at the Matadors show tonight at Call the Office, better get there before 11 too so I can get some cheap beers. Yeehaw!

Just when I thought the day was perfect...
Phone rings, it is him... a guilt trip? " '...didn't go to work all week, too drunk... messed up on halcyon and perks... the worst thing that that's ever happened... not sure what to do...' " damn... I feel like I should hate what I did, but everything else seems to be in the right place - I know I did nothing wrong. My sister cheered when she heard that I ended it, so I must have done something right... right? I can't be right to be with someone so self-destructive so the opposite must be true.

woo hoo
excellent show, well done guys... everything was awesome. Had an unexpected visitor... completely unexpected... >sigh< Why can't I shake it... him... I just want it to be over... please... well, going to the store to gt a pack of smokes... shouldn't ride my bike... need smokes... lost mine...

2002-08-23T03:55:00.000-04:00

Blah
Not sure why, I am feeling a little melancholy. I worry about little things too much... school... work... personal life. You know just everyday things. 3:45 am, I am lighting up my last smoke and then I will delve into something resembling self control. Will have to find some other vice (illegal trees?) to get through it... I want to go out tomorrow night, but then I think I would be tempted to fall off the bandwagon. Hmmm I am having feelings about self-doubt, not just about quitting smoking but about other things.... I tend to over anaylize everything, second guess myself, other people, what motivates them, how it will affect me, not knowing what to write about. Maybe I'm just tired. Time to sleep.

2002-08-21T23:55:00.000-04:00

Anything Boys Can do....
A friend of mine told me about this site: a woman's guide on how to pee standing up. Okay it does sound interesting, though I am not sure I would try it (well, um... maybe in the shower?) because I would probably pee down my leg... I just thought I would share this info for any interested grrls out there. Maybe you could try your hand at writing your name in the snow, or hey just think about how much easier it will be to tackle those alleys when you really have to go.

2002-08-20T11:59:00.000-04:00

The Phone keeps ringing...
It's him again. The same words. Telling me what I need, how it's supposed to be. Says he's learned, he deplores me. I am numb, why won't this end? He wants me to return, I don't want to anymore... not like before. My stomach hurts. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to talk about it. I wish I could shut him off..... he won't take no for an answer... I have to go... I need to go.... listen... stop. Good-bye.

When you just can't say it any other way, say it with a song...

Don't Want You
The first day that I saw you
I thought you were so fine
I thought that you could be, that you could be the one
I took me week and weeks
To get the nerves to talk to you
I had such very high hopes
That you could be the one

You think that you are hot stuff
Think that you´re pretty cool
But in my deck of cards now
You play the fool!
And when I look back on it
On all the wasted time
I spent just thinkin about you
And wishin you were mine

I had the fever but the fever is gone
I don´t want you anymore
Tryin to shake you but you´re holdin on
I don´t want you anymore
Thought you´re right but you´re Mr. Wrong
I don´t want you anymore
Sad but true I´m over you!
I don´t want you anymore

I had such ver high hopes
That you could be the butter for my toast
Well in my mind
You were red hot
But it turned into a long shot!
Because I guess in time
Well I just changed my mind
Because I guess inside
Well I just changed my mind!

Started off but didn´t last long
I don´t want you anymore
Tryin to shake you but you´re holdin on
I don´t want you anymore
Thought you´re right but you´re Mr. Wrong
I don´t want you anymore
Sad but true I´m over you!
I don´t want you anymore

I don´t want you, don´t want you anymore!
I don´t want you, don´t want you anymore!
I don´t want you, don´t want you anymore!
I don´t want you, don´t want you anymore!
- Lunachicks

2002-08-19T16:32:00.000-04:00

I don't want to go to work tonight...
After more than a week away from work I will be dragging my ass back there, it is always so hard to go back after having such a fun week (other than the Friday night bit). But I do need the money, I spent too much with all the free time I had, got my hair colored, went to see a couple shows - drank my face off, hehe. I suppose the memories are priceless though. Oh went to see Rob (Dana's bf) play with his band Trole play at the Wick last night - yeehaw what a great show! Ran into a few old friends there, that was cool too, and apparently I will be seeing a lot more of C.G, because she will be in my woman's studies class this year... speaking of which I am really excited for school to get back in, I miss it.

2002-08-17T12:20:00.000-04:00

Leaving Behind Familiar Shores
Hmmmm where do I start? After a lot of thought... like months of it really, I did something that I should have done a long time ago. Tired of not knowing where I stood in a long and difficult union, I finally decided that it was time for me to take control and move on. Nothing strange about that, right? However, as with most tales about love and war there are some ironic twists - promises of change, a clean slate, I waited too long for that. * Too much damage to start with a clean slate anyway.* Why should I be bothered anymore, I don't want to. I don't even know if I want to write about this or say it out loud (words on paper can speak volumes - even to their author) but my fingers keep dancing upon the keyboard as the thoughts keep racing through my mind. It was really hard but I couldn't stop myself. * I don't really need to do this, do I? yet I was. I did. * After hours of talking, beer swilling, screaming, begging and crying, I did it, facing much resistance. Threats of self torture and a Les Paul ' 62 special smashed upon the floor - why did he do that?! Was it part of the resistance? Said he was ready for more, but I didn't have it in me anymore. The slate has been wiped clean, I left.

2002-08-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

Hardware
After much consideration to get another piercing... I have almost got the nerve up to do it anyhow, but it is scary to think of a needle down there! Well at least I can say I found a piercer that I feel comfortable enough with to do that to me. I will most likely wait until my OSAP comes in and then just do it. After talking to my potential piercer about it, I went to BME to do some reading about the difference between a horizontal and a vertical hood ornament and there are a few sublte differences, asthetically and functionally... with the latter being a lot more sensitive because it is always in direct contact with the clitoris (so I have read). I will be getting a horizontal one myself as I am sure I am already sensitive enough - and it looks pretty! I was pretty suprized though, most of the experiences I have read about were not painful at all, just a breif searing sensation and then nothing, that is encouraging for me. Not sure whether I will be getting a 12 or a 14 guage yet but I am sure that I will discuss that with the piercer because he would know what is better for me - if you can't trust the piercer to call the shots on this then you are probably with the wrong piercer. If you would like to read a bit more about various female piercings then you can do so here or here. The more information you have about any kind of piercing, the more relaxed you will feel about getting it done... do not go to the first piercer you happen to find, do your homework!! If you would like to see a gallery of piercings then go to my link for Hanger 18, which is where I am going to get my next piercing done. Once I have it done I will keep you posted on my experience with the actual process and healing. If anyone is wondering why I write on this topic, I don't do it to make you squirm, nor for the mere shock value of it, I do it to inform. Okay, maybe I am a lunatic, but I am a lunatic with a purpose. Oh yeah, I recommend wearing a skirt when you get it done, that way you don't need to get entirely nekkid from the waist down....

2002-08-15T04:10:00.000-04:00

My Web Cam
Some of you may have noticed that I have a web cam. Well some people may not think it belongs on a blog, and that is fine, you don't have to put one on yours ok. For the person who e-mailed me asking to see my mammaries... well you can go back to Albuquerque and take a left okay... you must have taken a wrong turn there cheif. I just thought I would share his e-mail which I found amusing because I could see that he does not really understand that I am not here for his entertainment:

From: "BRIAN FOWLER" | Block Address | Add to Address Book
To: flickchick1973@yahoo.ca
Subject: Hi beautiful!
Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 18:08:41 -0700

Hello sexy lady! How are u? U look vary beautiful! Can u stand and show your vary beautiful body baby? Please

But what was even more amusing (not in a funny haha way) was that he had to e-mail me twice, because he just didn't get it the first time:

From: "BRIAN FOWLER" | Block Address | Add to Address Book
To: flickchick1973@yahoo.ca
Subject: Beautiful!
Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 18:17:57 -0700

Baby! Are u scared to show your body? Please stand and show me how hot and sexy u are! Let's see your tits?

Hey Brian, you might want to go here instead okay, just a suggestion for you.
Oh and one more thing..... My name ain't baby!

2002-08-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

Flesh, Steel and Ink
I often get asked (by people who just don't understand), why do you get tattoos? I have my own personal reasons for wanting tattoos, they become part of me and with each new tattoo I get, I have that much more ownership of a body that has been violated in this way or that throughout my life. I am marking my territory, no one owns me. As for the vast majority of bod-mod subculture, everyone has a different reason for transforming their bodies into beautiful works of art. Throughout history the motives for getting marked range from honouring the spirits (whatever the religion) and the dead, to making the body more alluring and send a message to would be seductees, to just plain "fuck the world" rebellion. They can mark occaisions in your life, set you apart, or even be a component to group membership such as with the complexity of tribalism to that which is common amoungst those who lead a biker lifestyle. The same can be said about piercing, it can be quite spiritual or quite sexual in nature. It makes you more body conscious, and can add a whole new dimension to the pleasure principle... a lot can be learned about this subject from the body modification bible: Modern Primitives I welcome and encourage any comments on this subject. Let me know what you think.

2002-08-11T01:30:00.000-04:00

Night Life
Okay.... after a few days hiatus I have returned to rant about my life and what I have been up to. Went to Call the Office on Thursday night for the much anticipated Reverend Horton Heat show.... 3 words: it was awesome. Sorry you missed it Dana :( Well, the show started off with a local band called The Matadors who by chance are having a show there on August 23rd, with their CD release party on September 14th (I stand corrected on that one as I previously said that the CD release party was on the 23 of August - thankyou R3v3r3nd). I was perfectly content to mingle about in the not yet crowded bar (before 11 domestic beer is only $2.50 a bottle - yeehaw), when I got tapped on the shoulder by someone who I was elated to see to say the least.... uh won't get into that but he knows who he is :) Well back to Reverend Horton Heat.... I was definately a high energy show, they played a number of songs off there new album, Lucky 7 (including Locos Gringo like a party, Ain't Gonna Happen, and Galaxy 500) as well as some of my old favorites such as Bales of Cocaine, The Devil's Chasing Me, Wiggle Stick and Marijuana. Over all a high energy show, can't wait 'til they come back! Don't forget to check their tour dates so you can check 'em out when they get to your neck of the woods.

Coming Soon: More on body modification.... stay tuned and share your bodmod stories too :)

Question: Why is it that certain people will neglect you until you show interest in someone else and then boom they want to hang around all the time?

I know it has been out for awhile now, but I have to say that the new Korn cd is the shit! The video that is on it is creepy - I like it :)

2002-08-08T04:32:00.000-04:00
Ink
Well tomorrow I get some shading done on my tattoo, I am really excited. Trevor (from Addictive Tattoos) is really quite talented and as you can see, he is really great with details. That is a picture of The Gashlycrumb Tinies from a horrifically amusing children's book that was first printed in 1963, by the late and ever so beguiling Edward Gorey. My personal opinion is that if you cannot get through the book without laughing they you have some deep seated issues which must promptly must be dealt with through labotomization, heh. For anyone that is interested, check back as I will be posting a new pic when it has some shading done...

Awwww... bad news. Got a message while I was out today and my appointment for tomorrow got postponed. Trevor is off sick for the next 3 weeks, not sure exactly what the nature of the illness is but that means waiting it out for a bit :( I will keep you guys posted.

2002-08-08T04:31:00.001-04:00
staring at the screen
can't think of what to write now...
someone, inspire me

2002-08-08T04:31:00.000-04:00
Topic du Jour...
Education has been a constant in my life. I hasn't always been, there was a time when I just wandered around trying to find my niche in life, that only prooved disasterous. When I was 18 I moved out west for awhile, thinking that I could find myself, I didn't much care for school, didn't much care that I had no highschool diploma. It did take a while to figure out that working for peanuts for the rest of my life in a meaningless job was not the path I wanted to take. I am still figuring that out, but until I earn my degree minimum wages will have to suffice. Back to how I ended up going back to school... I had to wait until my daughter was almost a year old at which time I decided I would finish up highschool. I look young for my age so I was able to blend in well and there was an onsite day-care at the school, so having a kid didn't set me apart too much. Well I did manage to graduate with honours, which surprised me immensely: so began my love affair with school. I've done the college circuit and with only one and a half years hiatus in the course of my achieving a diploma I am now heading to university with advanced standing. I am sure that I have learned something valuable other than what I want to do with my life when I am through with my formal education, valuable skills for critical thinking. I have also learned that I really don't know shit in the larger theme of things. In two more years I should have an honours BA in social sciences and I still won't be done. Ultimately I would like to stay in school forever, I feel at home there, you could almost say that that is where the counter culture resides... there are so many demiurgic minds there, the kind that I like to surround myself with. I have resolve that the only way I could justifiably stay in school permanently is to do so professionally. So I guess my next babystep would be teacher's college. I fancy myself a film studies teacher someday... or maybe woman's studies would be my niche... perhaps a feminist film studies teacher; the point I am trying to make is that we should never stop learning and improving ourselves.
any questions class?

2002-08-08T04:30:00.000-04:00
Choosing Our Words Carefully

I choose to write about feminism, not for the sake of feminism, for I am more of a womanist: that being in that I am more of a 3rd waver. I see language as a very androcentric estblishment, it places women in the margins of society. I am not attacking men here, for the men that I choose to keep company with are for the most part pro-feminist, not to mention kindred spirits. I am not trying to bring about change in everyday discourse because there are so many discourses, that I cannot possibly belong to them all, in which case I am not trying to please everybody: I am only one person. I had chosen to write about the word cunt because I personally believe that language is the most powerful weapon in existence whether it is used to empower or disempower. Language which refers to women by and large is disempowering. To me the word lady is not a becoming one, it connotes weakness, and frivolity, frigidity or helplessness. I would prefer to be called a bitch than a lady. Why? Well, it is simple, ladies are the proper, well behaved kind of people that keep there opinions to themselves as not to rock the boat. If people like Gloria Steinem or Ani DiFranco were ladies, we may not have made the leaps and bounds that we have. They were bitches and I mean that in the most flattering way! Bitch, like cunt is still very offensive to many... and whenever any attempt to reclaim such words is undertaked by a minority group, they are often confronted by a backlash in order to destroy and progress that is being made by their efforts. Women are often referred to as bitches when they are in control of their lives, any time they get ahead they are called bitches... well what is so bad about being called a bitch then?

2002-08-08T04:29:00.000-04:00
Demystifying the "bad" words...After recieving some negative feedback from a friend who saw my one of earlier posts, I felt it necessary to clarify why I chose to use certain words. Some people may criticize me when they do not understand stance of the issue of words... words that have been turned up-side-down, or have lost their original meaning, a lot of the shift in context taking place around the burning times, at least I would surmise that to be a fact. It (the word, and yes the place) has been embedded within our psyches as a bad thing, but maybe it is a larger collective conscious that has been tainted by the kind of misogyny that transforms the word (cunt) into taboo in the first placeThere have been many abstracts and books written on the subject. One such book I recieved for my birthday last year from a former girlfriend, that book is simply called: "cunt" by Inga Muscio. Along with the loss of many wisewoman, midwives, healers and pagans, we lost a lot more, and so much good was demonized, including a large part of our language. "Cunt" is an exploration of the word that makes many woman cringe... ' "Cunt" is arguably the most powerful negative word in the American English language. “Cunt” is the ultimate one-syllable covert verbal weapon any streetwise six-year-old or passing motorist can use against the woman. “Cunt” refers almost exclusively to women, and expresses the utmost rancor . . . I looked up “cunt” in Barbara G. Walker’s twenty-five year research opus, The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets, and found it was indeed a title, back in the day. “Cunt” is related to words from India, China, Ireland, Rome, and Egypt. Such words were either titles of respect for women, priestesses and witches, or derivatives of the names of various goddesses: In ancient writings, the word for “cunt” was synonymous with “woman,” though not in the insulting modern sense . . . I posit that we’re free to seize a word that was kidnapped and co-opted in a pain-filled, distant past, with a ransom that cost our grandmothers’ freedom, children, traditions, pride and land. I figure we’ve paid the ransom, but now, everybody long done forgot “cunt” was ours in the first place”. All I can say is, Inga. you inspire me!

WHEN FEMININE HYGIENE IS PROBLEMATIC: ALTERNATIVES FOR A HEALTHIER CUNT

Part I: What is Problem with Feminine Hygiene?
I have often wondered where the term “feminine protection” originated. Who came up with that term and what was intended by it, what exactly do women need to be protected from? Perhaps they were implying that women are dirty, that our blood is dirty, that our cunts are dirty, (yes I used the word “cunt”, some people think of this word in negative terms, but I hope to reclaim the word to empower myself and help other women do the same).

The feminine protection industry, whether many choose to believe or not, is a huge driving force that would like to influence the major majority that menstruation is dirty. This message is sent to women anytime they turn on the television or open a magazine and the only option that is given to women for dealing with their monthly inconvenience are super-chlorinated pads or tampons to protect their panties from being stained. One of the major disadvantages with the feminine hygiene products that are widely available are the many problems that accompany using them, they are more often consequences of using such products that often get overlooked as just another feminine problem.

I have often wondered why it is necessary for pads and tampons to be so white, or how the manufactures of these products get them so snowy white. The only logical comparison I can think of is my laundry, yeah my laundry, the whites to be exact. I usually use bleach to get my whites their whitest and brightest. I’ll let you in on a little secret: all of the major brands of feminine hygiene products use a chlorine bleaching process to get their whites their brightest too. Yes grrls, that means Tampax, Playtex, O.B and Always!

What does this mean exactly? Basically the bleach used
in your tampons and pads is still there after it has been packaged and stocked on the store shelves where the consumer buys it. To be more specific, the bleaching process leaves traces of dioxin, this is the where the problem lies (this substance goes right up there with DDT which has been banned yet years later still persists in the environment, both of these substances proven to be carcinogenic). Dioxin is defined in the Encarta World English Dictionary as: “any derivative of dibenzo-p-dioxin, produced as a toxic byproduct of combustion processes, the manufacture of some herbicides and bactericides, and in chlorine bleaching of paper. The best-known dioxin is the extremely carcinogenic and mutagenic 2,3,7,8-tetrachlorodibenzo-p-dioxin (TCDD)”. The manufacturers have been known to deny, and have media giants such as CNN to back them up, but you cannot always believe what you hear on the news, propaganda is everywhere!

In Karen Houppert’s book, The Curse: Confronting the last Unmentionable Taboo there is much talk about the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in connection to testing the dioxin levels in tampons. The FDA had allegedly analyzed the dioxin levels in tampons and reported that the levels were so minute that they posed no risk; however, the chief of health sciences division at the FDA, Melvin Stratmeyer has openly stated that the FDA was not responsible for the test results. All of the available figures regarding the levels of dioxins were directly supplied by the tampon industry!
The actual reported level of dioxin: 0.1 to 1 parts per trillion.
That may not sound like much, but the amount of dioxin is cumulative, it stores in your body’s fat cells over a period of time. If Dr. Kilbourne were to make a follow up documentary to Killing us Softly and Still Killing us Softly perhaps the second sequel in her documentaries could aptly be titled: The Feminine Hygiene Industry; Killing us Softly.

Regardless of that tampon scandal, there is a direct risk to your health - in the short and long term – from using the widely available brands of sanitary products. Some of the short-term consequences of using these are:
1) Vaginal dryness due to the high absorbency of the rayon which is commonly used in tampons, rayon is so absorbent that it absorbs much more than just your blood.
2) Tampons put you at greater risk of yeast infections – gross!
3) Fibers can actually stay in your vagina after you remove the tampon, this can contribute to toxic shock syndrome. So even if you are changing your plug often, it can still have deadly results – this is a rare occurrence, but who wants to take the chance?
More serious are the long term consequences of using tampons and pads (the silent killers) are:
1) Endometriosis is directly linked with the dioxin content in tampons, the dioxin can actually mutate your cells and effect your body’s hormones. Endometriosis it also linked to your body’s hormones too, causing the tissue inside your uterus to grow into other areas and bleed excessively.
2) Ovarian and cervical cancer. Once again, dioxin in a cancer causing agent (carcinogenic) and there is a link to ovarian and cervical cancer, this has not been disproven – dioxin is not acceptable no matter how miniscule the traces may be, and has been shown in testing on rats to cause cancer!
3) Infertility. As endometriosis is linked with the dioxin found in feminine hygiene products, it is also linked to infertility: endometriosis is one of the leading causes of infertility. Dioxin has also been linked with lower sperm counts in men.
These are very scary facts, but there are ways for women to counter the risks by finding safer alternative, it may take a little more effort but the choices are out there.

Part II: Alternatives for a Healthier Cunt!
There is good news! There are some wonderful and environmentally sound alternatives that are widely available if you know where to look. There are sea sponges, which work much like a tampon would, and you can get them almost anywhere. The benefits of using sea sponges is that they are very inexpensive, and you can reuse them for about six months, then it is time to replace them. When you consider that if you used tampons all the time, then you are contributing about 450 of them a year to your local landfill, then replacing the old sponges periodically is not too bad. When you need to change is you simple rinse it out and it can be easily reused, by if you are on the go, it is a good idea to keep an extra one in a plastic baggy. You can use regular sea sponges and cut them to size, or you may feel more comfortable buying ones that are
pre-made for menstrual purposes, in that case you can order them from a company called Jade and Pearl at http://www.jadeandpearl.com/how.html. Then there are reusable cotton pads, which you can buy or make yourself! You don’t even have to have white cotton if you prefer a little colour in your life, you can even use funky animal prints, go wild! If you soak them in water after you use them that shouldn’t stain. Don’t flush the water - you can pour the water into the earth, it is believed in some circles such as the pagans, that menstrual blood is a powerful substance full of healing properties that give back to the earth. There are many places you can go to find reusable pads, most health food or co-op stores carry alternative menstrual products or you can find them online in which case you can also find a soaking pot for your rags. The last alternative I am going to discuss is by far the most liberating and long lasting. The Keeper is made of 100 percent gum-rubber, and it looks a little like a goblet. Though it is more costly than the other alternatives, you only need one and it will last for an average span of ten years! You wear it internally, the big difference between tampons and the keeper (aside from the carcinogens that slowly poison you) is that is collects the blood rather than absorbing it. When you first start using a keeper it takes a getting used to, I recommend emptying it as often as you would change a tampon until you get used to the flow of things: usually it can be worn for twelve hours.
When you do change it, you simply empty it out and rinse it, if it is not immediately convenient to rinse then just wipe it out and re-insert it. The best part is that it is great for the outdoorsy type who goes camping frequently, because you can’t discreetly dispose of a tampon or pad out in the wilderness, and all keepers come in a handy little cloth bag for storage when you are not using it.
I use the keeper myself and I love it!
Many women will continue using the old standby even after hearing about the risks associated with the tampons and pads: I know, I have gotten some pretty strange looks for suggesting anything else. Well it does take an open mind to accept the alternatives available, in my own experience though, I can testify that they are truly liberating.

2002-08-08T04:28:00.000-04:00
The Vagina Monologues
by Eve EnslerVillard Books, 2001
Eve Ensler is a revolutionary for female sexuality! She poignantly liberates the vagina from “down there” and gives it a place to shine. The vagina is on display for all to see. “If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear? A beret . . . a pink boa . . . a tutu or a tattoo?” This book empowers women, inspires them to love their bodies, their vaginas. In the spirit of 3rd wave/global feminism, The Vagina Monologues sheds a light on the violence that is faced by women in North America and abroad, bringing out of subversion, the crisis faced by women in rape camps, female genital mutilation, child abuse and incest. Still, it is refreshing to see a book with a conscience. Reaching into the far reaches of collective consciousness, the issues here are very real for so many women, yet so rarely talked about: it puts us in touch with some of our own issues. I had to break down and cry after reading the monologue “The Little Coochi Snorcher that Could” that explored the experience of a southern black woman’s issue of her own sexuality, she could be any one of us.
“Memory: Thirteen Years Old
My coochie snorcher is a very bad place, a place of pain, of nastiness, punching, invasion, and blood. It’s a site for mishaps. It’s a bad-luck zone. I imagine a freeway between my legs and, girl, I am travelling, going far away from here.”
This book touches on some very serious issues, Ms. Ensler takes her readers into the darkest abyss of human existence but can rescues them with the power of laughter, a key component to healing the sexual psyche. I laughed ‘til I cried, then laughed again, in a word this book could be summed up as powerful!

2002-08-08T04:26:00.000-04:00
Genius?
I took an IQ test for curiosity sake (uh just trying to reassure myself that I am not wasting my time by getting a University education?) This is what they sent to my e-mail when they processed the results: Thank you for recently taking the Self Discovery Workshop's IQ Test. Because of the Internet's ability to mishandle transmissions, we are reconfirming via email that your IQ Test score was: 147..... Our test usually gets within 5 points of the professional tests--a remarkable feat for a 13 minute test. I just find it interesting, though I am not sure how valid the test is. Here is the link for all of you aspiring mensans: IQ test
In case you are interested, here is the scoring chart:
Average: 85 - 115
Above average: 116 - 125
Gifted Borderline Genius: 126 - 135
Highly gifted and appearing to be a Genius to most others: 136 - 145
Genius: 146 - 165
High Genius: 166 - 180
Highest Genius: 181 - 200
Beyond being measurable Genius: Over 200